Of Emotional Dependencies and Solitude - Stephan's Digital Garden

# Of Emotional Dependencies and Solitude Planted: 15 March 2026 Last tended: 15 March 2026 Today, as so often, I found myself reflecting on the past year. And I came to a realisation that was only allowed to happen due to the perspective as well as distance gained over the past year: My life's most beautiful and fulfilling aspects were dependent on external factors, often beyond my control, resting on pillars built by others. And if only one pillar were to break, which is what eventually happened in the last year, the entire structure would break down, vanishing in the collapse's dust. My entire social circle, the environments I was surrounded by most of my days, even most of my possessions, were built around two anchors: my relationship and work. And 2025 would eventually take both, and beyond, with me ending up entirely by myself. Through the end of my relationship I lost an entire family, friends, and in a way, a home. And after a very turbulent time and many ongoing structural changes at the company I worked for at the time, I decided to part ways, as almost all of my coworkers did. Although I remained in touch with those colleagues I shared years of my life with, the nature of the connection changed, naturally. Additionally, my parents moved out of our childhood home, which also meant the loss of the only familiar environment I had left. In regards to those aspects of my life I valued most, which were not many to begin with, I lost almost everything, piece by piece, that year. The most challenging part, besides carrying the unbearable, emotional weight of everything that had happened, was simply being alone. And by alone I mean truly *being* alone. Sitting all by myself in a new, empty apartment, receiving no notifications from anyone most days, having no one to truly open up about my state of mind, and drowning in sheer pain, as well as the uncertainty of what's to come next. Not being able to see a future, even within the next hours of the remaining day. It took me over a year to learn how to deal with this state of being alone, and by now I managed to even befriend it, turning it into a preference rather than a burden. My biggest fear in life has forever been to die alone, without the company of at least one trusted, loved person. This thought had haunted me for as long as I can remember, as I, for whatever reason, saw and felt it coming as my fate. By now, however, it no longer scares me; and I accept that potential end to my story, without fear. Solitude has become a preferred way of living, as well as a source of serenity. And by now I chase nothing but serenity. Overall, my most significant achievement of my past year has been to accept the impermanence of anything and everything placed on our paths. Accepting ends had been my fiercest battle for as long as I can remember. Though, it comes at the cost of me no longer allowing myself to embrace moments or aspects that bring joy as emotionally or passionately as I would have in the past. With 2026 having been a true reset in every aspect of my life, I managed to build friendships and connections independent from those previously mentioned factors. I built my own pillars. And even if those pillars were to fall, a solid foundation remains. One I didn't realise I was missing before: my identity being able to survive their absence.